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I wish i was fictionnal.
| I hated that everyone was running away from me, i knew that inside that "performer" wasnt me. I started to be active internet, and develloped a form of disgusted for the way i acted at school, and i promised to myself that when i would be in highschool, with a ton of new people, EVERYTHING would change, and i would have friends and be happy again !
| So when i arrived at highschool, i tried to be me !
| But me was nothing, the realest me was still stuck behind the screen, talking to people on the internet, it would take some time before i would even be an interesting person to my fellow students.
| I tried hanging with people, they thought i was weird, i only could afford to make one or two real friends in the whole school.
I managed to date with someone that wasnt in town, and it helped me reinforce what or who i wanted to be ? But i got dumped real quick.
| Then for no reason, i changed the way i acted all along
| The performer was back. I was nlt really myself anymore, just pretending to be something better than i was.
| I left highschool, in a burst of self confidence and went to art school, wich i quit one year into.
| BUT HOW JOYFUL THAT YEAR WAS. NOBODY KNEW ME, EVERYONE BUT I HAD NO MORALS, I FELT SUPERIOR, EVEN THOUGH I KNEW I WAS STUPID, I FELT BEAUTIFUL, TRANSFORMED.
And that was just an act.
The clown was just wearing the clothes of the circus boss but truly they still were a clown.
| Now i'm like, far from everything.
New town, got my own life, my own friends.
But when i talk to them i realize how fucked up i am.
How solipsim isnt really interesting.
When i go to their places, i see their rooms, they feel real, full of life, personality, and memories.
My appartment is blank, and i realize.
I'm not real and everything else is !
| I'm fake, everything about me is fake ! And everything i do is only interested in feeling either validation or the happiness of seeing someone ELSE laugh.
| The progress i thought i'd make on who i am, is only so my friends would not fucking throw me away like everyone else did !
AND IM NOT EVEN SAD ABOUT THIS REVEAL. IT JUST IS WHAT IT IS, AND ALWAYS WAS.
I'm happy with the life i got, i'm glad i made so many friends and i love them so fucking much, AND I LOVE the FOOL I AM.
| Wich is why, i wish i was fictionnal ! I wish i could just remove the part of me that thinks and completly become a clown, nonsensical, irregular, and written by someone else!
| How jolly life would be if i could destroy the self that is so boring and always overthinking and dumb, the one that needs to eat, to cry and to sleep.
| Just reread that whole thing i need help
| Didn't read, congratulations or sorry that happened
| you're still to tell us about that fucking anime you've seen under nda, buddy
| OP became Jevil from Deltarune and became
THE CLOWN AROUND TOWN
OP CAN DO ANYTHING
| I'll fictional your wish if you know what I mean
| ok lain
| yep, ima head out. back 2 lain 4 me
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| When i was a kid, discovering santa doesnt exist sent me through a solipsistic spiral: "What if nothing existed but me ? After all i'm pretty sure only my thoughts can be confirmed !".
At school, i was what i would call the town's fool, i would get bullied, but since this was my only form of attention from others, i would do stupid stunts to get bullied. But this was performative, and inside i hated the clown i created.