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talk about trauma
| OP was beaten in childhood, bullied in school, suffered severe social isolation and had to face mourning right when entering adulthood.
result is toxic stress, terrible relation skills, willpower loss, depression and permanent loneliness.
| Honestly, I think the majority of my trauma comes from being undiagnosed autistic for most my life. I honestly wasn't really bullied by other kids, but teachers and just general adults in my life would constantly shame me over stuff like tics and speech patterns and all that, and constantly push me way beyond my limits causing me to constantly be overstimulated and get migraines etc.
Basically just made me feel like shit and hurt myself constantly for 16 years or so.
| Then obviously made it out to be my fault and all the symptoms I had weren't symptoms of something, it was a choice, etc. Just tore apart every little piece of my being, called it wrong and bad, and that shit gave me anxiety, low-self esteem, depression and symptoms of developing psychosis.
Then there's the fact that I'm non-binary and gay af, but my entire childhood I was constantly told "you are this, you can't do that, you have to behave like this, you can't like that" etc.
| Basically just had heteronormativity shoved down my throat since I was child. I knew that that's not who or what I am, even when I was a little kid, but because I was never exposed to or taught about that stuff and constantly told "you are this" and "you can only like people like that" and shit it made me feel really lonely and like there was something wrong with me and gave me super bad dysphoria, anxiety and depression.
Good stuff.
| Let's see... stepmother, mother, and stepfather were all physically abusive while I was growing up, only stopped after I threatened to call cps on my stepfather for threatening to whip me with a dog lead because I couldn't keep up with him on a run. I was 12.
I have scars all over the left side of my face from my stepmother digging her nails into it. Including one right below my eye.
| >>842838
Skipping a bunch to get to early adulthood. Fiancé married someone else while I was in basic training and just stopped taking my calls for months, with no warning or anything.
Iraq deployment- blah blah blah, ieds, getting no more than three hours of sleep at a time for months, clinically dead for about 5 minutes, you can fill in the blanks. What really fucked me up here: we were visiting an Iraqi police outpost, had been working with them for about a year straight>
| >>842839
would trade smokes, play checkers, and just sorta hang out when not doing raids together. But then one days something had felt a little off, you know, looking back it was a lack of body language and fewer smiles, but at the time it was just a sense of wrongness, like that feeling you get when you can tell there's going to be an argument. Anyways, I wrote it off as me being paranoid because no one else was worried. Came back to the same place the next day, feeling was>
| >>842840
even stronger, but again I just thought I was being paranoid. I remember thinking, "I should stay on edge, on guard today." But then I decided not to because I wanted to talk about building a rifle with one of the guys who did competition shooting.
That day one of the Iraqi policemen walked into the compound, told his coworkers to stay out of the courtyard, checked out a 75 round drum, and then hosed down my entire platoon.
| >>842845
One of my friends tackled me, so I was only hit at an oblique angle and the vest bounced it. That friend got shot through the jaw. Another one of my friends got shot straight through the skull. Helmets are designed to stop shrapnel, not AK rounds from 2 meters. Of two platoons, only myself and one other guy got out unharmed. Two died everyone else got wounded. I remember carrying one of my friends out of there, and his blood soaking through my gloves.
| >>842851
I still keep in contact with him on facebook. One of the bullets lodged near his spine, guaranteeing he could never walk without pain or skateboard again, the other damaged his spleen or something. Complications led to him developing diabetes. I see his blood in my fingernails all the time.
I make myself keep in contact, and keep that guilt. If I'd just been less complacent. Maybe I would died maybe nothing would be different. I would have at least acted though.
| >>842852
When I got out of the army, my parents told me I wasn't welcome back at their house, and I've basically been alone ever since.
It's a lot of heavy shit. And no one is going to want to be saddled with that and still know me. So I only talk about it places like this where I'm anon.
| >>842853
I'll tell you something I wouldn't have told. No one is going to want to be saddled with that and still know you...?
IRL, I know someone who had his best friend and brother gunned down right next to him at a nightclub because some fag was jealous that he talked to his girl. He says there were so many warning signs about the guy, some of them literally the guy telling him he was gonna kill em, and that if only he had been cautious that day.
| Also he lost someone else who was having a heart attack, he had gone to a course to learn all about CPR and the like, but his nerves were just fried in that moment, he panicked for too long, messed it up and the person died.
| Recently his cat he loved so much, basically his only companion got fucking poisoned and went absolutely mad in his arms choking as its lungs filled with water, he raced down the highway to get it to a vet, where she died. And the guy is the least person in a long list to deserve this shit.
| So yes it is heavy, and I talk to him daily and we chat about all sorts of stuff. He feels like the kind of person who is very hurt inside, and he is so generous, he always gives without thinking, helps out, gets up for others, etc.
You think trauma history would make me repulsed by him or something, but to me what it does is, make me feel compassion in my cold heart, and a want for that person to get better, and this maybe because I can relate to trauma somewhat.
| I'm usually a pretty silent/cold person, and I dislike dealing with people and hate a lot of categories of people, as a bitter bigot, so many things piss me the fuck off, But one thing that is guaranteed to make me "soft", I guess, is genuine trauma, because I just can't get pissed off at these people for almost anything.
| I am the kind of person to not get angry but pissed off instead, but when I hear about some of the things some persons have gone through and what it has done to them I can get coldly hateful and genuinely angered, at their trauma.
| I'm blabbering on, a bit too much about myself I notice, I try not to usually because this isn't about me, however right now I do this because I guess you wanted to know how others (me) feel about this.
Personally I just feel a bit powerless, and resentful at some of the darkness this world tends to bring.
I just wish it wasn't so, but I know the persons themselves are sure to do that all too much, so I just feel like a healer with not many tools.
Dunno if I explained it right.
| (>>112718 same person)
Also, I am irritated at how seemingly unfair life has been to you. I am actually genuinely annoyed.
| Trauma speedrun!
Molested at 3!
Deadbeat dad spent more on his sound system and car then the fam
Mum is schizo and tried to throw me off a window into baby batter
Went into foster care because muum had an episode, then dad split and went hunting for pinay pus
Got into school and got bullied relentlessly because i wasn't socialized properly tried to top myself
Developed social skills as a means to make other people happy so they no buli and have no personality
| Only feel close to those that have similar experiences but even the most important relationships/friendships went to shit because they were unable to deal with their own shit.
Life ain't so bad now, back with mum whose coked up on meds and i really enjoy making art in unity. But still can't trust anyone and want dommy gf because of mommy issues.
| Molested and beaten lot as a kid. Got bullied a lot but i ended up responding to it violently and it abruptly stopped because the other kids were afraid. Now i'm just trying to ignore my swiftly eroding sanity because i refuse to let my friends and family know I am not alright, they will not take me seriously. Nothing helps anymore so I might just kill myself soon.
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| in here the heavy stuff. say what got you fucked up still today. can't be the only one!