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How to deal with hurtful words?
| Have sex and have fun.
| And, well, I am just... Not that. My self-esteem is at an all time low and it has been for a while. There's an endless supply of worries and insecurities in my mind at all time, and sometimes even some random throwaway comment can resonate with some of my thoughts and stab me in the most unexpected way possible. While I am trying to deal with it at my own pace, and sometimes even succeeding, I can't ignore everything, and just one drop too many can lead to the cup spilling over.
| So in these situations I usually end up taking the blame as an overly sensitive softy who is offended by anything and is always blowing things out of proportion. So I just end up being an asshole that you can't say anything to. Even though I can't say this is always the case
I am usually better at dealing with strangers when it comes to this, but with friends, family, so in general people I consider "close" and don't mind being more vulnerable around sometimes I just can't take it
| I suppose what I want to know is, am I really at fault here? Are people really usually just supposed to ignore everything offensive or hurtful being thrown at them? And if so, what ways are there to better myself and move closer towards achieving this goal? It's been eating away at me for so long now, I really need to know at least *some* way out of it.
>>759471
And while this is rather tempting, the former is not an option right now, and the latter... Well, I try to, really.
| You're insecure, I used to have the same thing. But you understand that it's a problem. Learn to accept yourself first.
| "The axe forgets, but the tree remembers". It's easy for someone to brush off their own words as harmless, but that doesn't mean they are (lots of childhood trauma happens that way).
So first of all no, you're not overreacting or at fault. Different people get hurt by different things and there's no objective way to measure if something is offensive/hurtful, especially when it's about your personality and/or interests.
| Normally this is where people would suggest you bring this up to your friends/whoever is hurting you, but that doesn't seem to be working. Honestly in this case... set boundaries and stick to them. You're not in the wrong and you're allowed to stand up for yourself, as painful as it may be at first. And well, either people get it and stop hurting you, or they actively choose to break your boundaries, in which case the blame is doubly on them.
| TL;DR: You can't choose not to be hurt, but other people can choose to stop hurting you. The blame here is on them.
Either way, good luck g/u/rl. I've been there and I hope things get better for you.
| >>759509
>lots of childhood trauma happens that way
Yep. Was beaten so I can confirm it does things to you. Maybe that's OP's case as well.
Ah, fuck it OP, I just wish you the best, a thick crocodile skin and a fun life in general.
>>759511
>You can't choose not to be hurt, but other people can choose to stop hurting you. The blame here is on them
I categorically disagree. If you get offended by people saying hello to you it's your fucking loss.
>TLDR
I read the whole thing tho...
| >>759512
>If you get offended by people saying hello to you it's your fucking loss
Lmao fair. My point was mainly to say that yes emotions are irrational, but that doesn't mean they're not "valid" as the kids say. It's not about changing your emotional reaction, but learning what to do about it. And yes, sometimes the best choice is to suck it up, but not here I think
| >>759485
You see, here's the thing. How do I accept myself? Better yet, why would I accept myself? I am not "just fine as I am," I know that much. But how does one change who they are?
>>759511
Thank you, it does bring me at least some peace knowing that. Now to prove it to my friends...
>>759512
Thanks for the warm wishes.
Now, as for
>get offended by people saying hello to you
This is not at all what either myself or >>d93fd8 were talking about, I believe.
| >>759529
Mostly agree with everything except >but not here I think
Oh well
People's opinions are valid to themselves.
>>759549
>why would I accept myself
Why not? Or do you prefer hating yourself?
You seem to confuse self-forgiveness with being content in any situation.
In my opinion it's not that you don't like yourself it's that you wanna be better that what you are now.
But really I don't know you that well, so meh.
| >it does bring me at least some peace knowing that. Now to prove it to my friends
Be fair. You can't expect anyone to just bend over for all your custom settings. It depends, if they're being obtuse bitches and have no sensitivity towards you then you may just have difficult compatibility levels, which may just be because of your differing personalities.
You are both right.
>This is not at all what either myself or >>d93fd8 were talking about
Not sure what it was then.
| I just consider it that if you turtle-close yourself like that you can't really bite life head-on, ya know? It's like you're restraining yourself. That's something depression does to me.
| >>d0d98f
> it's not that you don't like yourself it's that you wanna be better
Isn't it essentially the same?
>Not sure what it was then.
Of course getting offended by people saying hello would be stupid
What I meant was getting offended by things that were (or could be considered) legitimately hurtful. Like belittling and laughing at me and my interests, even if it is done in a "joking" manner eventually some of it starts to sting, especially if it resonates with my own thoughts.
| >>759556
>Isn't it essentially the same
Absolutely not buddy! You have something cool going on in that at least you want to be better. You're looking at your current spot thinking something like "this ain't worthy of me" and since it's mostly a negative emotion it's easier for the subconscious to just swhoosh it around as "negative emotion concerning myself", which easily descents into self-hatred.
| There are people that are really worthless and don't think they should improve anything. They're just stuck and don't see it. Let that sink in. and the bathtub too
| >Like belittling and laughing at me and my interests
I think you should be careful and consider the actual intent behind the words and actions. Maybe you're just a bit more sensitive than others. Maybe you're sensitive precisely because you don't like yourself too much or have nothing to really be confident/proud in, as in "whoa bud, you're talking to the guy who did X / does Y for a living"
There will always be people in the world ready to belittle you for the silliest things.
| Maybe the best way to deal with hurty words is to calmly and factually observe and process their meaning and implications.
If someone tells you you're a retard, you as a person may be more likely to fall right into the emotional trap. You know, anxiety, cringe, inferiority complex, etc.
Of course remember that I'm just projecting all this based on what I think you are like.
| Next time try to coldly analyze what is said. Did a person call you a retard because they don't like your point of view? Because she saw you flunk an easy problem once and judged you based off that, even though you usually ace that problem and it was just a bad day for you, but she still judged you off that because that's all she saw from her point of view?
Maybe just because she didn't like you and just threw it at you maybe hoping she'd feel superior or that it'll hurt you?
| And can you draw any conclusions from your analysis? Is there something to actually improve about yourself there? If yes then how?
Or maybe they're just retarded and it can be safely ignored?
Be selfish in your assessments. Squeeze it all of its potentially useful information, and disregard all that pertains to pesky emotions.
And when it comes to your friends, always remember the intent behind it.
And if they mess with you too much, draw a line in the sand. "No. I don't like it."
| If they don't give a fuck about you and don't care about understanding that, are they really your friends? Their skulls must not be so thick that they can't comprehend someone being sensible to belittlement, right?
| And this is the short-term solution, but in the future, it would be really good to grow a tougher skin about all of this. I've found exposure therapy and general self-betterment to help quite well. You could also try to figure yourself out, maybe via a creative artistic process.
| get over it nerd
| Get more friend groups, some are more touchy feely some are more banter based.
I doubt you're gonna change their mentality so limit it to the point where you still enjoy the exchange. If they're yo pals they'll ease up, if not then only you feel like it.
Mind you it'll probably be a bit lonely but that's the trade off for not being a ragdoll mate.
| Cunts are cunts, homies are homies.
If they don't respect you then they're not a homie.
If they're giving you shit and knowingly hurting you then they're a cunt.
Sound like bad people to be around.
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| Basically, whenever I seem to take offense at something, usually when someone belittles me or something I'm interested in, my friends just tend to laugh and tell me that "it's just words lmao get over it, it's up to you to choose whether to get hurt." While I agree that there is some modicum of truth in that statement, I can't quite grasp the concept fully. To brush off literally every word thrown at you, in my opinion, you have to be the most confident and self-assured person ever