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I'm real fucking sad and afraid
| I also don't know what the fuck to do with my studies in college, I could go to college just 5 minutes away but get into anything but the career I want or just deadass leave the city, my family and friends and go study in another state, live there and shit. Parents already said they will pay my housing if I decide to go, but I need fucking therapy and don't know if I'm ready to have the responsibility of a flat...
| As you may have guessed it, that also puts a lot of stress on me because exam for college is 2 months away, and also a lot of uncertainty about my future
| Also, since I'm really fucking stupid I thought it would be a good idea to try and apply for some VTuber group because, "haha it will be fun and even if I don't get in, the script and editing of the audition will distract me" I ended up having 2 anxiety crisis and a depressive one over the fucking script and discovering I'm talentless
| I don't even find joy in games anymore, they just seem dull, I can't listen to music because suddenly all of the lyrics and rhythms hurt as a drill in my heart, I'm so fucking afraid my psyche has broken and I may attempt to throw myself from the window
| To finish fucking it up, my parents seeing me that fucking stressed instead of calling the psyquiatric hospital or my psychologist, forced to go on fucking vacation with them to a fucking beach, in middle of a fucking pandemic, and I'm paranoic I may have contracted the virus
| I'm not exaggerating any of this shit, this has just been a snowball now and there's literally not a moment in the day I don't feel like either my heart is going to stop any fucking moment because it's just too much what I'm feeling or that my life is pointless and I should jump off a bridge, all the self-esteem I had worked is gone, I can't seem to produce serotonin and shit, I'm tired all the time and can't focus
| I hate my life but don't know what the fuck should I do
| Wow you're a pretty courageous person, even just for calling out. First off I would advise you, as any normie would, to seek therapy and see if that works for you.
Try to prevent the stress from flooding into your thought patterns by locating its root cause.
| Looks like you're terrified of failing your exams. If that's the root cause, it's likely that the stress generated from that crept into other thoughts and now you think you're talentless because you're not amazing at vtuber thing.
| I'd need to understand you better, but it looks like your thought process is "failure at exams = my life is fucking over"...
Which is probably understandable since you've been brought up in a school system where failure is an absolute no-no, and you probably don't have a lot of experience outside of that...
Just so you know, and I'm talking to you and your subconscious here, failing an exam really isn't the end.
Don't fear loss, but envy victory...
| Then again, your frame of mind is probably incredibly narrow right now, making it so you can't see the big picture correctly without seeing a landscape of anxiety :P
You must always remember that stress influences thoughts in a sneaky and unkind manner. You are having dark thoughts that jump all over the place. You might have to realize that you're just not thinking straight. Be kind with yourself. There are so many years left in your life, and you will brute-force it eventually.
| But I used to be like you, and I know how tricky it can get... To calm your mind down, and find relief. But of course it's possible. There would be no stress if there was no calm to contrast it with.
Damn now I wish I was there with you to help you see straight - I'd give you a massage :)
| Which country are you in btw?
| >>750229 I know I should be in therapy, but since the pandemic started I decided to not take therapy at home, I don't trust my parents and I KNOW they will be hearing whatever I say to my therapist, I don't care they hear me talk about the shit they used to do to me, it's more that I just feel uncomfortable with whoever I don't trust to just, not fucking "overhear" stuff and not leave a room for an hour for the others sake...
| >>750230 it's more of a, "I need to pass the fucking exams and study whatever or they will fucking make me work and I'm not prepared for that" I'm just really afraid of work, I know I will have to eventually, but it's more of I'M NOT WORKING TILL I GET OUT OF COLLEGE than a straight I don't want to work, a lot of friends left college because they needed to work but then suddenly life came through and they can't go back to college because adult shit
| I don't wanna end up in a really bad job because I didn't pass an exam and didn't get another chance at studying, that's what I fear, and it's not because of pay or getting overworked, it's more a feat of that job not letting me accomplish my hopes and dreams
| And about the VTuber thing, it's not that I consider myself talentless, I know I wrote it, but I was about to fucking snap and needed to vent, so I skipped over a lot of shit, the fucking pain and doubt about what I can do is still there, but it's just, I can be funny, but am I funny enough, I can play some instruments, but I haven't in so many years, I can draw, but there's just so many artists out there that seem better and have better progress than me.
| I feel I've wasted my talent by not practising enough, and that my communication skills are shit, so it's more of a damn... I guess I now can do stuff but it's still so goddamn far from good enough...
I decided after the deppresive crisis I had that I would go back to streaming, it helped me vent and just having a microphone to talk to as if I was someone worth hearing, helped me a lot with this stuff and perhaps someone may watch me and like me and just follow me
| About the instrument thing... I really can't practise, I'm missing parts of my first instrument and the whole other one is also missing, seems my mom sold it without ever telling me, I haven't been out unless to get food, may have to go out to get the pieces I'm missing of my instrument, but I don't know how long till that happens, then I will probably start playing it again, hope I don't get discouraged again...
| And the drawing... Idk man, I guess the only thing left to do is keep fucking drawing and see if eventually people are interested in commissioning me and I have s certain way to put value on my art, I'm proud of it, but even then it's like being proud of an cheap medium tier PC rig when everyone around you has 300GB RAM, a 3090 and whatever other pieces are the top at the moment, I know mine works and I got it through hard work... But it just... Yeah...
| Even if I'm proud of where I've come with my art it's still like, damn... Literally everyone else can 1:1 the Mona Lisa and I'm here not being able to draw s reference sheet for my OC, I will get there, it's just frustrating how long it's taking
| >>750232 I guess the first thing I will talk when I go back to therapy is stress because I left that shit without care and here I am, thanks for making me notice
| >>750235
There are online therapy sites.
>>750236
That's understandable but still a bit panicked. I'm sure that there are alternatives to just straight college studies. You need to understand the working world a bit better. It's true that there exist jobs in which you will get stuck in 1 position but those are generally just to make quick cash and not really liked. But most jobs have promotions, i.e. if you've been there for some time and know your stuff you get to become manager.
| Damn girl you should probably eat taco and relax. You will die sooner or later, so why bother? ???? ???? ????
| >>750245
National mentality is a thing. I live in a country where if you drop out you're basically an outcast... but I don't really give a fuck lol
The general impression that I have been getting is that you are in a position where it's difficult for you to evolve and make your talents bloom.
| (The question marks are taco emojis and I have no regrets)
| Heh it was trash
Get better OP...
| Serious question: Why dont you take a year off after highschool? Just chill and work and get some money. Then u dont have to worry about anything for a year and get some money. Calm down and think over the year what u want. No stress and just do what you want. Isn't that a good option? You could also search for therapy in that time if u want. But i think the time off itself is very needed.
| >>750285 i already wasted a year, I had a crisis so bad I couldn't enter classes because my body would feel like burning, that it would collapse at any moment and i just started crying out loud in the middle of the classroom, I then went home and told it to my parents and refused to go to school for a month, after that they forced me to go, but it would get so bad I just straight up faked being at school and would just go play Smash nearby the whole day...
| So I basically failed that whole ass year and shit got worse at the end, fortunately I was able to pass the following year, and now I have been just overworking myself this year to try and pump up my grades more... I basically am near if not at a perfect score, this is my last week, but I don't feel accomplished or shit...
| I already wasted a year of my life in a crisis and avoiding school, I don't feel it's a good idea to take one off, I don't feel I deserve it... And neither do my parents, they will literally kick me out of the house if I insist in a year off, some of my friends already told me they would gave me asylum in their houses if that happens, but I feel like such a parasite even thinking about bothering them like that...
| Basically, aside from working that year off I would also have to find a home and maintain myself in case my friends parents kick me out of their houses, because I know for sure mine will... I really don't know what to do man... I know it may seem contradictory that my parents are encouraging me to pursue my dream career and then them just treating me like shit, but... That's just how it has been all life...
| And I know of the online therapy, but as I said, I DON'T WANT MY PARENTS HEARING ANY OF THAT SHIT, instead of reflecting on how they can help me, they just make me feel worse for feeling bad about what I talked in the few therapy sessions they heard me... It just makes things worse, and I get basically no privacy in this god damned house, I can write this because none of them know English and can't read about me roasting them online
| And thank for the tacos, but I will pass, if I eat in this state I just feel super sick and like throwing up...
| >>750291
Online therapy... in English...
You're sabotaging yourself in the stealthiest ways. There will be a place for you where you can breathe calmly forever.
Always remember: you are made in a different shape... than the mold your environment is trying to cram you into...
Replace fear with experience. Sooner or later you will succeed, and that is not up to debate. Might take you many years but you will get there.
| Your parents are really shitty. By the way, i had to retake a year in high school too. This shit about "wasting a year" is crap and you should stop panicking because of that. I was the same as you, really. I had to retake a high school year and then i studied the wrong subject after it. So i already "wasted" 2 years. In the end, it really doesnt matter. I can tell you that stressing will make everything worse. Really. There is nothing good coming out of this.
| Also your grades and ability to study suffers from stress. Really talk to your parents. Or get the fuck outta there. Take a year off and try to find stability. And stop thinking about this "wasting bullshit". Trust me, it's not bringing you anywhere. The time only filled with stress is the true time you are wasting. But dont expect to get better instantly. It's a process. But please find stability and rest in life.
| I'm wasting time right now and am less stressed than you OP. This stress reaction is not normal.
| >>750301 Ok... Ok... I will look into getting therapy in English, someway, somehow... I really hadn't thought about that...
| >>750308 Thanks, I never really had someone who repeated a year in school reassure me it's ok... Not really sure about the year off, but... Perhaps a semester off would be cool... My parents wouldn't kill me and if I do it when I have moved to the other state they can't do shit to me, and it would also be good to get to know there:)
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| Hello g/u/rls, basically I've been having the worst sequence of events for my mental health in a while, let me explain further.
Since 2 months ago I've been carrying so much stuff around, I've been really stressed finishing high school because of the exams and final projects, I've been so goddamn stressed my skin is turning into scales, like those of fishes according to the doctor...