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What can I do to become more approachable/friendly?
| Hmm. Not really. I recommend don't wearing personas too much though. I know so people who are really hard to interact with because they always try to keep up a persona instead of just being themselves.
I guess you'd have to change your approach to things though maybe. How you think about some situations and conversations. It's kind of hard to explain for me, but that's basically what I did to become social despite being autistic.
| But as I said in the first sentence there's no easy way. You will have to change your approach to social interaction. The entire basics of how you do it, kinda. For me that was realising that people's opinions of me really don't matter at all, and just being myself and not really holding back. Removing all personas basically. I can't say for certain that would work for you though, and it took a while.
| >>0347a8
Problem is, I don't really have anything worthy of showing behind those personas. I'm pretty much hollow inside. No passions, no real opinions, no interesting stories or conversation topics. So I suppose I should work on that first, before worrying about being approachable or interacting with people at all. But that's just how I am. I don't know how to change that, or whether it's possible in the first place. And I'm not really looking for an easy way, just ANY way will do
| >>679173
Yeah, you have anxiety and low self-esteem, I get it. Intentionally changing yourself to be more appealing to people would just be another persona, no?
I hate it so much when people say they're boring or not interesting and shit like that. All the people I know who say that are some of the most fun and interesting people I know, but their lack of confidence makes them feel like they're boring and replaceable. And no, you're not an exception to that.
| Is there something in particular you'd like to be able to show ?
Is there a particular way you like to interact with people ?
I'm asking a lot of questions, sry
:3
| >>679182
While anxiety might be on point, it's not really relevant here, I don't think. And I wouldn't say I have any self-esteem issues.
Alas, it's a rather fair assessment of myself. I rarely, if ever, have anything to talk about so I very often create awkward silences, I've been told I'm boring hard to talk to, and ultimately a bit shady multiple times, and I can see all that very well myself.
| >>679184
That isn't really a lot of questions, plus those questions are important. Anyway, no, I don't really have anything too specific in mind. I just want to change "oh god you have to drag the words out of him all the time and it's not even worth it anyway" into "oh yeah he's a totally chill and fun guy to hang out with." And for people to approach me in the first place. Or not getting weirded out when I approach them at least.
| sry gtg sleep, i'll read the thread tomorrow
Anyways, things you like to do ? Want to do ?
I mean, come on. You definitely have qualities. Now are you aware of them ? If not, do you have someone close who might point them out ?
(All those questionnnns, i'm just so curious about why you think you're not a chill person to hang around)
| >>679201
I don't know, I mostly just play videogames or waste time on YouTube. Any other hobbies never really stuck with me for more than a month. So while I might know a teeny bit about a lot of subjects, I can't exactly hold a meaningful conversation about any of them.
Oh, I have plenty of qualities. How many of them are positive, though, is an entirely different question. And no, unfortunately I don't have anyone close enough (not anymore) who could help find them.
| >>679201
As for why I think this way? Like I said in >>679186 , I've been explicitly told those things multiple times by different people. And frankly, I'm not dense enough to not realize all that on my own.
I think I'll try to get some sleep, only 5 hours left until work.
| >>679186
Mhm. One of my most interesting and nice to talk to friends has been told by her family and some others that she's annoying and boring to talk to. And wouldn't you know it? She sees all of that in herself, even though it's very far from true.
Anxiety does have a lot to say in this, actually. People with anxiety usually perceive themselves that way, and in every case of this I've seen it's never actually true. Again, I doubt you're an exception to that.
| Actually, I can tell you aren't just by this thread alone.
When it comes to reasons people might tell you that you're boring, well, they don't know you. You said yourself that you wear personas, you said yourself that you have anxiety. It's extremely hard to get to know someone like that. Though I've managed to do so multiple times, and every time they've turned out to be interesting people, just like everyone else, but they have such a hard time realising it.
| i would hate it if you forced yourself to be social for me
| >>679221
Honestly? All this sounds way too good to actually be true. But if you are right, I guess that means even I don't know myself then. Which is pretty weird to think about. I suppose that's what I actually want, though. To open up more and make it easier for people to get to know me. But I have no idea where to even start. It's hard to find anything interesting about myself when for years I've convinced myself (with the "help" of others) that there's absolutely nothing there.
| >>679230
Oh, I get you. And I don't really like to force myself to be social, either. But it's my only option right now. I did not want to force it before, and so in high school, in uni, even at work for a couple of years now I wasn't social at all. All because I didn't want to "force" myself. Mostly I felt unwanted, like I was someone on the outside looking in. And I have rather specific interests, not too popular where I'm from, so it's hard to find like-minded people.
| >>679287
Do you really think you'd know yourself? I know I certainly don't know myself. Of course I think I do at times, but I really never do. Only the people closest to me that I'm fully open to are the ones who know me.
Also, side note, it's much easier to see your own negative sides than your positive ones, even if those negative sides aren't even real. That's the case for most people, and yes, anxiety boosts that big time, as well as negative reinforcement.
| You could go to a book store, music store, whatever-you-wanna-try store, and get someone to give you a recommendation, and come back for more of the same of different...
It works for anything really. As long as there's a place where people can meet, they will meet.
Play an instrument ? Go to a <insert instrument> store ?
Have no interest in nothing at all ?
Go to somewhere you've never gone before.
Museum ? Gallery ? Try knitting ? Play catch ?
It's always awkward the first times.
| What I meant by that is that maybe you shouldn't look for like-minded people, but for a place that people share for a specific activity (books, music, drama, dance, photography, drawing, learning, teaching, you name it).
Well, that's if you want a hobby of sorts or whatever.
Personally, I can only be agreeable when I'm in the right environment. I need relaxed people who don't take things too seriously. If everyone's kinda on edge, it's just not an option.
| >>679400
If everyone's on edge I just talk shit and intentionally commit social suicide in that environment because I wouldn't get any fun out of it any other way, but that's probably not for everyone.
| I think you're a complete person, with their strengths, and also shortcomings that you focus too much on.
I think you know yourself from the inside, but what you want to change is what is on the outside.
I've got good news, though. People change. Even if nothing seems to have changed at all, what you see introspectively will have changed in a few weeks/months/years...
I don't think I can help you to be more agreeable.
With that said, I like you OP,
give it your best ヽ(｀・ω・´)ゝ
| >>679364
I dunno. Just feels like if anyone would know me, it should be myself. Since I see every side of myself 24/7 and no one else has that "privilege."
>>679397
It's always awkward for me, not just the first few times. Especially when I start out all eager and then fall flat because I don't know what to do next.
>>679400
Even in a relaxed environment I was usually the one on edge. But now I've lost even that environment (people have moved away) and it became so much worse.
| >>679404
I'd like to think that I am complete. There just hasn't been a situation where I could reveal my strengths. So I would hope. But hope is finite.
People do change. It's a bit hard to believe, though, being stuck in complacency and almost complete stagnation all the time, but it is true. Maybe I just have to ride it out and in a few years I'll laugh at my past self.
Also, I know you meant it as common courtesy, but please don't ever say you like me. Can't see why you would
| Thanks for the encouragement, though.
| >>679483
You can choose to believe that, but after becoming social and going to therapy and shit like that I realised that I really didn't know myself at all, and basically everyone I know is the same way. They never really know themselves, just whatever their mental illness tells them or whatever some random person said years ago. Your perception of yourself usually isn't your own, to put it that way.
| But, I hope shit gets better for you.
| >>679499
To think that we know nothing about the most important thing we have, our own selves. It's weird. And a bit scary.
Going to therapy sounds like something that might be good, but unfortunately in my country mental illnesses don't exist unless they're bad enough to get you locked up in an institution. For everything that's not as severe you're supposed to just "tough it out".
Maybe someone knows if there's a way to get therapy online, like by email, or is that a dumb idea?
| >>679500
And yeah, thanks. I still hope as well, even though there's been no sign of it getting any better for years now.
| >>679682
Is that how the general population thinks of it or are there just not actual therapists where you're at?
If there actually aren't, then online therapy is actually a thing, yeah. You should be careful about which sites to use and stuff though, of course. I think there was a lot of weird shit about a really big one, BetterHelp. But if you can't get one in your country, do some research and good luck. Therapy really is recommended.
| >>679733
Both, in a way..? There are only private practitioners, and I've been hurt in the past by a couple of those. I realize not every one of them will give the same experience, but I am still rather apprehensive, and therapy is very expensive here.
| >>680062
Hmm. Not great, but, understandable. Again, try researching some online therapy sites then. That could work better, and is probably cheaper.
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| Seriously, I feel like I'm a total pain to be around. Well, maybe not necessarily a pain, but like... Interacting with me seems to be real hard work for people. It's not like I'm being a dick to them, I'm just somewhat aloof and not very socially active (at all). And honestly small talk and trying to keep up some kinda persona all the time really tires me out. Is there any way to naturally become someone who's easier to have around? Or, like, teach myself to be more open?