fraudulistic ramblings
| So i got out of my hometown to join them, i tried to get a feel of life, the real young adult life that was promised to me by fiction and shit. I got myself some meh jobs, and tried to put myself first, to SEEM like a friendly person, fake it till you make it.
It worked.
It worked so GOOD i couldnt believe it.
And even if it didnt work, people would LOVE the effort and feel like i was the real deal anyway.
| The thing is, some people don't know me. My friends they would tell you that generally the first impression i give to people is horrible, but then people tend to like me.
Some people ADORE ME when they meet me, RIGHT OFF THE BAT. I don't know whats wrong with them. They have no idea who i am, they have no idea that what i'm showing them is just to put them at ease and not have to face a boring moment with them. But they like me !
| They think about me once a week to ask me how i feel ! Its almost like i was part of the main people in their life while i don't know them and they don't know me. They're not bad people, i just don't care about them ! Of course i can't tell them that.
| Theres this cute girl. I met her at a party. She likes stuff i like and we had a "thing" for some time. Then i realized i didn't like her, she had these "i love you" eyes that make me feel weird. I realized that after we first had sex, but had that point i just felt too bad about everything to keep going.
I don't see her that much often, but she always asks me to hang out. And when we do, she's always tactile, and when she is i accomodate. I mean shes pretty, and shes nice !
| She genuinely deserve a hug and hugging the person she likes. I just don't LIKE HER. And since i'm too dumb to say know and also am a touch starved feminine austin powers i just sit there next to her, as i hug her without great motivation.
| But i love. I think thats one of the rare things that still make me feel human with playing video games and enjoying good food.
i only love people who don't love me. Even people who say they love me don't in the end, so when i fall in love with someone that likes me i'm highly suspicious (i know i shouldnt be but hell).
Love is kind of going away of my life recently. Yesterday an handsome woman asked for my number and i just... didn't care ? If thats what growing up is like...
| Some people just are not that interrested in the romantic stuff and that's okay.
I'd say it's okay if you reject present and future offers of romantic opportunities, just don't regret the fact that you rejected them years after you did it, okay?
| happy for you if it good.
happy for you if it bad.
| Gratz or condolences.
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| 4 years ago when i posted on this site pretty frequently, i started my transition and lived in my hometown. I was shy, introverted, and believed that i would never BE someone. I believed i would never make any real connections with people.
Then i met my friends. And they made me feel like i existed. Like i could make mistakes sometimes. It was WONDERFUL. I never allowed myself to fail before, to try and retry to shape myself until it FIT.