DID-chan 2
| My sister bought tickets for a family vacation. It's sweet, but things have always kind of bombed when it comes to family for us. My family is like basically all undiagnosed shit. Really only my sisters and I manage our shit, but honestly my sisters are the kind of people to not take meds because they fear it'll change them. When like yea, that's the point when you tried to kill yourself before
| So I don't really want to do a family vacation again, but I mean it's in the past and it happened so whatever.
So here's what's improved so far. I have a better grasp of my system. I know what everyone does for the most part and like what they struggle with. And I'm diagnosed OCD, but what we found out is that one of my alters is like OCD times a shit ton. And my sister is very particular about how things get done and if something breaks her flow she amps up a tos
| Basically oh Alter A can't accept the thing she's handing me? Cool now my sister's blowing up in my face yelling about WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU and it's like wow yay now I definitely can't get back control.
| So here's something my therapist told me to try out while I'm out with family as she feared something like this might happen again. She discussed with me constructive and destructive dissociation. Basically when you intentionally use it and when you don't have control over it. She wanted me to try seeing if I can intentionally utilize it to sort of shield myself from when things blow up. So on the last day I gave it a try
I'm seated with my sister, chatting with her having fun when
| All of a sudden she breaks the news to me that she doesn't want to speak to me anymore, to never text her ever again, and that she only bothered to respond because we're sisters. So I'm like wow that's fucked, but I'll respect it and ask her what I can do better and if I can apologize for anything to sort of patch what I can.
She hit me with the no you should know what you did, when I clearly fucking don't and also literally have the Forget Shit Disorder
| So I'm like okay, I'll try to block this out. Maybe let someone else take over. It's not something you can summon like on TV, but maybe tuning out is enough. So I do, I'm having dinner taking a few sips and all of a sudden she's snapping in my face furious that I can hear her and yet ignoring her. That I'm ruining the family dinner and to leave. So I do! I leave, she follows me, and then screams at me at how she fucking hates me
| My sisters are about 16 years older than me. We don't exactly talk. They don't come over to see me, they don't text me. I text them, but I don't get responses. I'm always explained that it's that they have bigger things to worry about. So I don't know it's like, what the fuck did I do? They were barely in my life and I looked up to them so much, I wanted to be just like them, and yet there I was getting screamed at that I was hated
| It's just one of those things that makes me wonder. Would our relationship have been better if my brain wasn't fucked up beyond repair when I was a child? Would we have regular conversations? Talk to each other like equals?
| But that's worthless to think about. I had no control over the things I experienced when I was so little. My mind tried to defend itself and heal, and now I'm paying some stupid price for it. All because my mind wanted to keep me alive, to not die. And now I can't even have regular human connections. I want to be normal, I want to have bonds, but you only get one chance. So I'll keep doing what I can. And you should too g/u/rls
Keep going
Keep living
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| (Dissociative Identity Disorder) I'm back with another ramble. Things still suck. I've gotten better at handling this condition, and therapy has been really great. I honestly really look forward to sessions now. My only problem is just, therapy's the only place where I can talk about my DID. Anything related to it around my family is just asking to have things explode in my face. Which is kind of what happened a while ago.